Looking for a Male Character with a Small Penis

First novels are a lot like first children: you make a lot of mistakes.

I remember my good friend and colleague, E.B. Giles, telling me that her first novel was in a box at the bottom of a drawer. At the time she was working on her third novel, and I was appalled—you mean you wrote a whole novel and you aren’t trying to publish it? But even then I must not have wanted to admit what I must have already known: first novels are the practice field where we try our hand at a new form.

Really—how many people set out to paint a masterpiece with their first painting? Or play a concerto with their first lesson? Even if you have been writing for a long time, and most (though not all) potential novelists have been, writing a novel requires its own unique form and set of rules.

Now that I am completing my second novel, and it’s been a healthy three years since I’ve even looked at my first novel, I can finally swallow what I didn’t want to swallow then—my first novel, too, was practice.

Now there are exceptions to any rule, and most writers like to consider themselves the exception. And there’s nothing wrong with a little self-confidence. But as a freelance editor I work with mainly first novelists and first novels. And I can see in their work, as I can now see in my own, the common mistakes of a first novel:

1. Trying to put too much in the novel. This is the number one mistake of a first novel. A first-time novelist, not seeing a bigger picture, a longer road, a second novel, will put every character, every nuance, every scene, every storyline he or she has always wanted to write into one novel. “It’s a book about a space alien who is struggling with his sexuality on a boat out at sea, and he falls in love with….” You get the idea.

2. The spine of tension. What is this story about? Novels that fall in this category tend to be written well but the writers have still not yet figured out what it is that they are trying to say. I read a lot of semi-autobiographical or autobiographical novels that seem to cover 40 years with no discernable plot. It ends up like watching home movies. Lots of little interesting stories do not add up to a novel—there still has to be a “spine of tension” that carries the reader from one place to another, that hooks the reader at the beginning and pulls them through to the end. If you cannot answer the question “What is this story about” with one consise, compelling sentence, then maybe you are actually writing short stories. (Short stories still need a spine of tension, however.)

3. Poor writing. On the flipside, there are writers who have a great plot idea but still need to learn the basics of quality writing. The greatest idea in the world can be killed with poor writing. This includes the obvious grammar and syntax problems, but also poor verb choices, overusing adjectives and adverbs, or wordy, academic-sounding sentences. The writer often has a great imagination but just needs to spend more time on their craft.

4. Cliché storylines or flat characters. Most writers writing a first novel will rely heavily on the universal pool of stories. It has been said that every story has already been told, and that is true, but most first-time novelists don’t have the confidence in their work, yet, to truly personalize their story and keep it from sounding cliché. For example: why does every male character have to have an enormous penis? I say give me a first novel where the male character has an average or even a small penis. Now we’re cooking.

5. Being too focused or too anxious about publication. So often I meet an author who is already asking me for quotes when I am telling them to consider cutting a storyline or work on focusing the main theme. The excitement to be the next bestseller, the six-figure deal dreams robs the writer of his or her patience to really write the best story they can. Keep in mind: you only get one chance to make a first impression with an agent or a publisher. Slow down. Be patient. You’re not going to die tomorrow, and you are probably not going to lose your one chance at a six-figure deal if you don’t act today. Make sure your writing is phenomenal before you worry about the next step.

And what if you've worked and worked and worked your first novel to death and it still is sitting in a drawer or a file somewhere? Start writing a second novel.

Like first children, all that hard work makes the next one feel like a breeze.